Don’t worry, kids

We’ve got your back. Well … sorta, kinda.

Comes to us this week a story from our almost-paid-for big-screen television, which confirms that the gun debate in America, generally, and in Oklahoma, specifically, has moved from the floor inside the Expo Center, during one of its 112,000 (more or less) annual gun shows, to a kiosk out in the parking lot.

And the debate’s over. We lost. In fact, so spectacularly is our defeat, we are now sitting under a brightly colored surrender flag, just watching the joint, while the owner runs to the bank.

We met up with Officer Perry Lewis at the Tulsa Police Department gun range to test the products.

That was KJRH-Channel 2 Reporter Deana Silk, a few weeks back, introducing her report¹ about—wait for it—protective bulletproof backpacks; specifically, she reported on their efficacy in stopping various kinds of bullets before traversing through a six-year-old’s vertebra.

We bought a pink one with a DuPont Kevlar shield built inside, listed for $250 on amazon.com.

How cute! I love pink.

EA representative from one of the manufacturers of the backpacks says sales are skyrocketing. He said business has grown 200 percent over the last year.

Good for you, sir. Couple more national school shootings and incoherent, racist tantrums from Ted Nugent and God can only imagine what kind of year 2014 will be for you.

Officer Lewis agreed to shoot the backpack and insert using a 9 mm, a 40-caliber, and an assault rifle.

KJRH did not put the backpacks on child mannequins. Rather, the station set up the backpacks against a wall. It looked more like an arcade than a classroom. Officer Lewis had headphones and everything.

Cool.

Anyway, using a 9mm, 40-caliber, and, yes, an AR-15, the report offered the results for both the DuPont model and a bulletproof insert device ($100) that can be placed inside an existing backpack—presumably, between the Lunchable and the take-home 3 Plus math practice quiz.

9MM: Backpack with built-in shield. Bullet entered but did not exit. Product passes the test.

Bulletproof insert. Bullet entered but did not exit. Product passes the test.

40-Caliber: Backpack with built-in shield. Bullet entered but did not exit. Product passes the test.

Bulletproof insert. Bullet entered but did not exit. However, there was significant damage to the insert. Still, the product passes the test.

There was “significant damage to the insert,” and still passed the test? Forehead, meet open palm.

State legislature² calling, line one:

The bill passed on a 13-0 vote. It states that any firearm, accessory, or ammunition that is manufactured in Oklahoma and remains within the borders of the state “is not subject to federal law, federal taxation or federal regulation, including registration, under the authority of the United States Congress to regulate interstate commerce.”

Since many school shootings involve a high-powered rifle, KJRH asked Officer Lewis to step back to 25 feet using a .223 AR-15.

Oh, for the love of Christ.

Backpack with built-in shield: Did not pass. The bullet entered and exited through the back.

Bulletproof insert: Did not pass. The bullet entered and exited through the back.

Ruh Roh!

Officer Lewis wasn't too surprised. "You almost have to have ceramic plates to defeat those rounds, just like our military wears," he said.

Well, get these kids some ceramic plates, dammit, because freedom! Then, let’s stop punishing them for trying to protect themselves by any means possible.

Sally Kern³ calling, line two:

Oklahoma schoolchildren could not be punished for chewing their breakfast pastries into the shape of a gun under a bill introduced by a Republican legislator.

Did anyone at the station—and let’s start with Silk—consider how batshit crazy this whole notion was, how there was something a little ghoulish about suggesting—hell, encouraging—that this placebo be taken seriously, and how utterly astonishing, pointless, and embarrassing a report like this was before putting it on the air⁴?

In 2010, 15,576 children and teenagers were injured by firearms — three times more than the number of U.S. soldiers injured in the war in Afghanistan, according to the [Children’s] Defense Fund.

Nationally, guns still kill twice as many children and young people than cancer, five times as many than heart disease and 15 times more than infection, according to the New England Journal of Medicine.

Apparently not.

Not one word about the 194 children 12 and younger who died⁵ from guns since Sandy Hook, not one word about the Oklahoma representative who invited a gun manufacturer to Oklahoma⁶ so it could be free to peddle its wares without the heavy burden of regulation, and not one word about legislative action to allow even more7 guns into Oklahoma schools.

Instead, we’re going to talk about, as former NBA legend Allen Iverson8 might spit it out, backpacks.

We interrupt this program⁹:

Oklahoma City police said they are investigating an accidental shooting at Bass Pro Shops in Bricktown … that’s when, according to police, the boy grabbed the gun, shooting himself in the hand and his dad in the leg. Both victims were transported to a hospital with non-life-threatening injuries.

And we’re talking about … backpacks.

Child-counseling services calling, line three:

We talked to licensed counselor Claudia Arthrell about the potential dangers of giving your child a bulletproof backpack. She fears the product could give a child the illusion of being 100 percent protected, which they are not.

That’s what she fears — that the child might have the illusion he or she is protected? 

We could tell the kids about the 300 million¹⁰ firearms already in America and how we’re still not safe. We could tell them about the more than 30 Americans who die every day due to guns (or the 530 Oklahomans¹¹ who died from them in 2010). We could tell them about the little girl who hid¹² in her friend’s blood and played dead at Sandy Hook Elementary.

We could tell them about Sandy Hook.

We could tell them how we’ve surrendered the narrative to those who shill for gun manufacturers, insist on “Stand Your Ground” laws, and make laws according to a convoluted reading¹³ of the 2nd Amendment one former Chief Justice Warren Burger called, " … one of the greatest pieces of fraud, I repeat the word fraud, on the American public."

Or we could tell them about these new, pretty, pink, bulletproof backpacks and, in so doing, tell them how we failed them.

¹youtube.com: Allen Iverson: Practice
²kjrh.com: INVESTIGATION: “Bulletproof backpacks, can they stop a bullet? Kevlar shield and insert tested”
³tenthamendmentcenter.com:” House committee passes firearms, freedom act”
⁴newsok.com “Okla. bill: No punishment for school kids brandishing pastries chewed into gun shapes”
⁵usatoday.com: “Epidemic: Guns kill twice as many kids as cancer does”
⁶tampabay.com “194 children have been shot to death since Sandy Hook”.
⁷kfor.com: “Lawmakers lure gun maker to Okla.”
⁸newsok.com: “Bill to arm teachers, administrators wins Oklahoma House panel’s approval”
⁹youtube.com: “Allen Iverson: Practice”
¹⁰koco.com:” Police say young boy accidentally shoots father, self at Bass Pro Shops”
¹¹gunfaq.org: “How many guns in United States
¹²oklahomawatch.org: “Firearm Deaths in Oklahoma and US”
¹³abcnews.go.com: “Sandy Hook Classroom Survivor Played Dead”