The One-Day Tulsa Wonders Tour

A trip around town with a(n un-)certified tour guide

Hailing all Tulsa newcomers! You’re just dying to get to know this great ‘Midwestern’ town, right? You want the truth straight from the horse’s mouth, right?

Well. I know you you frisky undergrads haven’t got time for a history lesson, so I’ll spare you. Instead, I took the liberty of mapping out a one-day sightseeing tour of Tulsa so you can “get to know your new home” and then get right to the good stuff: 3.2 percent Oklahoma beer (for those of you who can procure it legally, that is). Thanks, state legislature!

One thing: You’d better have a car. Oh, and do this on a weekday.

1st stop: We’re going downtown, so if you haven’t yet been introduced to the elaborate puzzle that is this nest of one-way streets, well, I’m going to let you riddle this one out on your own. Your destination is the old Bank of Oklahoma building at 320 S. Boston Ave. Look it up.

While you’re lost in downtown, take a minute to appreciate the delightful Art Deco architecture that is the natural result of plundering the earth for resources and coercing your fellow man to work long hours in dangerous conditions for the sake of your livelihood. (But really, it is nice, isn’t it?)

When you’ve found 320 S. Boston, head inside. Grumble something about dirty oil money and head to the north part of the building. You’re looking for lavishly decorated escalators. Take them down, down, down, into the belly of the Tulsa financial beast.

Welcome to the tunnels that connect most of downtown Tulsa’s old commercial centers. These were built in the 1920s and ‘30s to discreetly move large quantities of cocaine and booze from executive function to executive function. (Probably.)

2nd stop: Our next stop is the first of two excellent pieces of over-sized statuary. Down at Lewis and 81st you’ll find Oral Roberts University and the world’s largest pair of praying hands. That’s right, 60 feet of cold, hard metal making constant appeal to the Lord. Nothing says "educating the whole person" like 30-ton bronze sculptures and a campus designed to look like something out of Tomorrowland.

The school was founded by a traveling faith healer with the exceedingly improbable name of Oral Roberts. Often associated with the so-called “prosperity gospel,” Roberts’ theology was known to promote the idea that God rewarded faithful followers with economic blessings in this life, among other things. Just picture those giant hands rubbing a stack of suitably sized $100 bills between their bronze fingers. Makin’ in rain!

3rd stop: Next head to 21st Street and take it east. When you pass Harvard you’ll see the fairgrounds on your left. If you don’t know what landmark I’m directing you to at this point, you need to retake “A Giant Yellow Man in the Middle of a Parking Lot is not a Normal Thing 101.”

This, my friends, is the Golden Driller. He represents everything great about Oklahoma: oil (obviously), winning hard-hat and work-glove combinations, and the willingness to spend time, money, and effort erecting a 75-foot-tall yellow man in honor to your industry. First person to chisel nipples onto this bad-boy gets $50 (again, probably). Anatomical correctness is next to godliness, I always say.

Last stop: When you’ve had all you can take of the Golden Driller’s colorful and overemphasized manhood (take that as you will), head up to 11th Street and Delaware. For Tulsa at its most beautiful, I recommend the view from the steps of McFarlin Library on The University of Tulsa campus. Preferably at sunset.

This is also a great date location after you’ve exhausted Tulsa’s other possibilities. I’d pencil it in for your third, maximum fourth outing. Bonus points if you and your date discuss the finer points of Zig-Zag versus Public Works Art Deco long into the night.

Finally, with downtown glittering in the dark, take a moment to appreciate all of the interesting things you’ve seen today—and thank the Lord that the people back home had nothing to do with any of it.

Even though he is a powerful wizard, Kyle Walker is unable to resist the enchanting allure of excessively large statuary, that one song by Toto, and gunfighter ballads in the strain of Marty Robbins. Kyle is Editor-in-Chief of the Collegian, the University of Tulsa student newspaper, despite the many challenges of being 6' 7". Read the Collegian online at tucollegian.org.