Bad Advice

Need advice? Send questions to voices@langdonpublishing.com with “Bad Advice” in the subject line.

I’m thinking about running for political office. I’m a registered Democrat, fiscally conservative with moderately liberal social views, but I know Oklahoma politicians are usually only elected if they have an R in front of their name. Is it wrong to switch parties so I have a better chance? —J.K.

Dear J.K.,

On the surface, it would seem like a lot of people would agree with you. Just because you think that the government shouldn’t spend money it doesn’t have, or that people shouldn’t be overburdened with taxes doesn’t mean you can’t also care about things like economic inequality and LGBT rights. That sounds thoughtful and reasonable.

And that is why you are screwed.

Look, man—I’m assuming you are male. If not, you are even less likely to be elected, sorry. People around here decide what college to attend based on football team performance. We suck a dwindling resource out of our land at the cost of the very ground beneath our feet. Our state vegetable is a watermelon.

If you want to get elected, you’re gonna have to change more than just your party affiliation. Are you comfortable phrasing your tweets in such a way that Nazis won’t get offended? Do you consider certain parts of the state to be the “real” Oklahoma? How unscrupulous of a lawyer can you
afford?

My advice is to radicalize yourself as much as possible. You don’t actually have to believe the rhetoric you spew, you just have to embody it in every other way.

Failing that, like if you’re not just in this for the money and prestige, you could run anyway and try to make some positive change on the ground level. It’s probably what Jesus would have you do, but definitely not your campaign manager.

How do I not make babies when I hate condoms and don’t believe in birth control? — S.H.

Dear S.H.,

Have you tried abstinence? Much like other forms of birth control, it is effective when used correctly. Unfortunately, most humans haven’t figured out how to do it correctly, which is why a bunch of abstinent teenagers get pregnant every year.

If you wanna go the abortion route, you’re in for a challenge. It’s easier to find an untouched oil field around here than it is to find a clinic.

My dog keeps eating grass. How can I make it stop? —W.E

Dear W.E.,

Some believe that dogs eat grass for much the same reason a human would eat a salad. It provides fiber, helps with digestion, and can even fulfill unmet nutritional needs. If your dog is male, you should shame it for being a sissy and eating vegetables. If it is female, shame it for eating literally anything else.