Taking the bait

Studios unleash Oscar hopefuls and family-friendly sap in equal measure

The Pyramid

Despite the quasi-found footage of the goofy trailer and the no-name cast, the premise of the Alexandre Aja-produced “The Pyramid” compels me. Granted, I’m an old geek with a fondness for the mysteries of Egypt—born out of playing Dungeons and Dragons “Desert of Desolation” modules and an early text adventure game called “Pyramid.” A group of archeologists (obvs) discover a buried pyramid. In their zeal to explore, they become trapped and hunted by strange creatures that have been imprisoned under the sand for millennia. Will it be worth a damn? Aja’s name gives one hope for a genre romp that is likely not good, but perhaps inventive and fun. Dec. 5

Top Five

Chris Rock writes, directs and stars in this ensemble comedy about a stand-up comedian turned film star (Rock) trying to reinvent himself as a serious actor, despite the media only being interested in his comedies and his impending celebrity marriage. The cast is an amazing gathering of Rock’s besties—including J.B. Smoove, Adam Sandler, Kevin Hart, Tracy Morgan (in what might be his last role as we’ve known him), Jerry Seinfeld, Whoopi Goldberg, and a daunting roster of comedian cameos. The trailer scores a couple of laughs, and it looks like Rock is bringing his trademark edge to the proceedings. Dec. 5      

Exodus: Gods and Kings

Uber-director Ridley Scott adapts the story of Moses in the somewhat lost tradition of expansive Biblical epics starring white guys speaking English. Christian Bale plays the telekinetic savior of 600,000 enslaved Israelites, leading them from under the yoke of Ramsses II (Joel Edgerton) to freedom. Plagues, locusts, storms, giant alligators and Ben Kingsley are splashed across the screen with all the aggressive, slickly ostentatious, multi-million dollar spectacle we’ve come to expect from the hand of Scott. Aaron Paul (“Locusts, bitch!”), Sigourney Weaver and John Turturro fill out a fine cast. Dec. 12        

Inherent Vice

Cinephiles will be rabid for the latest Paul Thomas Anderson, whatever it might be. The writer/director/modern master is catnip for those who find nutrition in iconic narratives, thematic complexity, deeply drawn characters (brilliantly acted) and vibrant film craft. “Inherent Vice,” Anderson’s loose adaptation of Thomas Pynchon’s 2009 crime-noir novel, looks to be no different—if the trailer is any guide. A twitchy Joaquin Phoenix, a deeply weird Josh Brolin, and Reese Witherspoon lead a stellar cast that includes Benicio del Toro, Martin Short, Jena Malone and Owen Wilson (redeeming himself for “Night at the Museum 3”). My ass is already in a seat for this one. Dec. 12            

The Hobbit: The Battle of Five Armies

I might complain that the Peter Jackson adaptations of “The Hobbit” are self-indulgent, masturbatory, bloated and lack the charms of his original “Rings” trilogy. I can’t imagine that the guy isn’t burnt out by now. Aside from “King Kong” and his awful “The Lovely Bones,” Jackson hasn’t left Middle-Earth for much of the past 15 years. But despite all that, Middle Earth is still a place I like to visit. With this final entry in the second trilogy, everyone from the previous film who isn’t dead returns to face down the evil dragon, Smaug, and reclaim the Dwarven throne under the Lonely Mountain against a scourge of enemies. Dec. 17  

Night at the Museum: Secret of the Tomb

If a monkey pissing on Owen Wilson and Steve Coogan in order to save them from a Pompeiian lava flow is your idea of comedy gold, then this flick is for you. It’s the third one of these things, so fans know the drill. In a museum where the exhibits come to life at night, Ben Stiller’s mugging and director Shawn Levy’s hackery join forces with name recognition and undiscriminating audiences for the kind of family-friendly fun that cleans up around this time of year. Supporting roles from Ben Kingsley (as another Egyptian), Dick Van Dyke and Mickey Rooney (joining the equally dead Robin Williams) mean this film is truly cursed. Dec. 19

Annie

Jamie Foxx and Quvenzhané Wallis (“Beasts of the Southern Wild”) star in this re-imagining of the long running Broadway musical. Wallis is Annie, an orphan from a foster home, faithfully awaiting the return of her parents. She’s rescued from an accident by Will (Foxx), a successful businessman who’s running for mayor. Will takes Annie in to aid his political career, but instead gets some life lessons. The trailer does a better job of explaining the entire damn movie than I can (it leaves nothing to the imagination). It also looks like an earnest, maudlin, candy-coated musical comedy that’s trying way too hard to please. I am kind of an asshole, though. Dec. 19     

Unbroken

Angelina Jolie’s latest directorial effort, if nothing else, serves as a reminder that the Japanese used to be some real bastards. And while the trailer for “Unbroken” seems to hammer that point home a bit heavily, Jolie’s past work in the chair, plus a script by the Coen Bros. and an uplifting, based-on-true-events tale also remind us that this is Oscar season. “Unbroken” tells the story of the famous Olympic runner Louis Zamperini, who is captured by the Japanese during WWII and held in a brutal prison camp where his spirit presumably remains (wait for it) unbroken. It looks lovely, but blatant Oscar bait is always a little off-putting. Jack O’Connell, Domhnall Gleeson (“Frank”) and Garrett Hedlund star. Dec. 25

Into the Woods

Rob Marshall’s lavish staging of the famed Stephen Sondheim play finds Meryl Streep as an evil witch who lays a curse on a Baker and his wife (James Corden and Emily Blunt). In order to lift the curse the pair must find a series of mysterious objects and encounter fantasy characters from the Brothers Grimm—among them Cinderella, Rapunzel, Little Red Riding Hood and the Big Bad Wolf. The film looks richly romantic and ambitiously theatrical, your basic on-the-nose holiday fare. It sports an eclectic cast, including Anna Kendrick, Chris Pine, Tracy Ullman and Johnny Depp. Dec. 25

The Interview

Longtime comedic collaborators Seth Rogen and Evan Goldberg (the two have written, between them, “Superbad,” “Pineapple Express,” “The Watch” and “This Is The End”) move into the director’s chairs for this contemporary satire that follows two tabloid journalists who land an interview with North Korean dictator Kim Jong-un. Things are looking great for their ratings boon until the CIA contracts them to assassinate the despot. In the real world, it is entirely possible that the recent computer hack that shut down Sony might have been a direct retaliation by North Korea, who apparently isn’t pleased with the film—which I guess means going to see this qualifies as an act of patriotism. Hopefully it’s funny, too. Dec. 25

The Imitation Game

Did Steve Jobs come out as gay? Or was I just imagining that? Either way, Alan Turing was gay, so if you’re homophobic and are on a Mac or a PC, you’re benefitting from the brilliance of men whose loves dare not speak their name—so either get your bigoted heads out of your asses or go back to longhand and legal pads, Luddites. Benedict Cumberbatch (who’s made me consider switching teams myself) plays Turing, a brilliant mathematician, cryptanalyst, and inventor of the first “computer” who broke German codes and made the “single biggest contribution to Allied victory,” according to none other than Winston Churchill himself—though it never got any better for Turing. Keira Knightly, Mark Strong and Charles Dance (a Lannister no more) fill out the strong cast. Dec. 25

Wild

Based on acclaimed writer Cheryl Strayed’s autobiographical best-seller of the same name, “Wild” stars Reese Witherspoon as Strayed, who, after years of self-abuse, a wicked divorce and the death of her beloved mother, decides to take a solo 1,100-mile hike through the Pacific Northwest so that she might get clean and find herself amid the wreckage of her tumultuous life. Jean-Marc Vallée, who killed it last year with “Dallas Buyers Club,” directs a cast that includes Laura Dern, Cliff DeYoung and Gaby Hoffmann. And while it screams Oscar-bait, early word has been very positive, hinting that this is the opposite kind of “life-affirming” being peddled by the likes of “Annie”—a real-life hard-knock life. Dec. 25

For more from Joe, check out his Birdman review and his story on retro gaming.