Tank goodness

Gov. Mary Fallin brings out the big guns to celebrate re-election

This is why we can’t have nice things.

Gov. Fallin even rode a Chieftain military tank over a compact car and fired a Gatling gun at targets.

Oy.

So, ten days after her 14.8-percent victory over Joe Dorman, Governor Mary Fallin apparently thought it would be a splendid idea to attend the Grand Opening of Wilshire Gun in Oklahoma City¹—the only gun range in Oklahoma that serves alcohol—and to ride in a tank, crush a Toyota Camry and then fire off a few rounds.

Forget the demolition derby/monster truck/WTF! angle to this for a moment. Who was the Mensa graduate who thought it would be a splendid idea to combine guns and alcohol in the same place in the first place?

“We’re the only range in Oklahoma that has a liquor license to serve alcohol,” Larry McAlister, a spokesman for Wilshire Gun, told CNN² last summer.*

The marketing gauntlet has been thrown down. There are 61 shooting ranges³ in the state—61!—and how long before they all decide to open bars—or maybe, who knows, one or two will double down on the full gun-range experience and open licensed pharmacies on the premises? 

Before we go any further, though, let’s take a moment to celebrate the journalistic stylings of KFOR News Channel 4 in OKC.

It is Governor Mary Fallin like you’ve never seen before: in the passenger seat of a 60-ton tank.

To see the governor like I’ve never seen her before, I’d have to see her not embarrassing the state.

Wilshire Gun hit the bull’s-eye with customers during its grand opening kickoff Friday with a special appearance from Gov. Mary Fallin.

Nice—bull’s-eye—I see what you did there.

In addition to firearms, the gun range event featured flavorful food, a bar, free demos and giveaways.

Nothing says hard-hitting reporting more than distinguishing between the ranges with just so-so nachos and the ones that don’t scrimp on the jalapeños. 

(And what’s the OKC police department doing with an armored tank⁴ anyway?)

We continue.

The morning zoo of a local radio station should have done a remote here and handed out koozies. This was not a gig for the governor to come bearing pablum. Moreover, smashing a 3100-pound compact with a 60-ton tank is about as impressive as crushing an empty can of Diet 7-up with one hand, so what was the point? To like an event like this, you have to first like the sound of crushed Japanese imports and bad metaphors; still, even among those who think a gun range with a Happy Hour is what the framers had in mind when they penned the 2nd Amendment, does such a fatuous display of toughness really work? 

Forget it, Jake, it’s Oklahoma.

This was a sop, yes, to Fallin’s supporters and the NRA, who were a little broyges (Yiddish: annoyed) with her over some truly cockeyed piece of legislation⁵ she wisely vetoed  (she signs all the garden-variety insane bills the group fancies), but it was also a way for her to tell the 5,002 Oklahomans⁶ killed by firearms in the last decade, the parents who lost children because someone left a loaded gun on the coffee table when the kids were playing, the victims of violent crime (Oklahoma ranks 11th in the nation), and, mostly, those Oklahomans who think combining hooch and firearms in one location is a needless dip in the deep end of the crazy pool … You. Don’t. Matter.

If you’re an elected official, you only go to a gun range in a tank, smash an import, and shoot an M134 —because there’s no reason on God’s increasingly warming earth to go otherwise—to taunt those who didn’t vote for you.

This was Mary Fallin’s post-election end zone dance, right before spiking the ball.

“Well it was interesting being able to ride in this tank and crush a car, and what an exciting way to open up the Wilshire Gun range today,” she said.

Maybe next time you can take out an entire neighborhood.

Curiously, on the same day Fallin went to the only gun range in Oklahoma that serves liquor, she also launched an initiative⁷ aimed at reducing the number of people in Oklahoma who drive while under—wait for it—the influence of alcohol.

The mind, it boggles.

Fallin could have spent the day reading to children at Apple Creek Elementary in Moore, handing out groceries at Hope Center of Edmond, or playing pinochle with residents at Heritage Assisted Living in Yukon, but, no, she came to Shots ’N Shots for a photo op.  

“It’s going to be a great fun place and a great new attraction to Oklahoma,” she said.

Check that. The mind, it doesn’t boggle—it seizes up.

*According to Wilshire Gun’s website, patrons are required to secure all personal firearms in designated areas prior to consumption of alcoholic beverages. Consumption of alcohol requires Driver’s License scan which then denies guest access to any range for the remainder of the day.

(1) kfor.com: It’s Governor Fallin like you’ve never seen before

(2) money.cnn.com: Opening soon: Gun range with a bar

(3) rangelistings.com: Shooting ranges in Oklahoma 

(4) okcfox.com: Police add mine resistant military vehicles to fleets around Oklahoma

(5) nraila.org: Oklahoma: Overwhelmingly Supported Pro-Gun Bill Vetoed by Governor

(6) huffingtonpost.com: The States With The Most Gun Violence: 24/7 Wall St

(7) kgou.org: Governor Announces Plan To End Impaired Driving

For more from Barry, have a look at his election roundup, conversation with Islamic Council of Oklahoma spokesperson Sheryl Siddiqui and account of volunteering at Tulsa's only abortion clinic.