Happy New Year?

Some thoughts on bettering yourself as the world gets worse

By Andy Wheeler

Greg Bollinger

[TV on]
“… We have an active shooter situation …”
[click]
“… Congress has refused to act …”
[click]
“… Donald Trump said Muslims…”
[TV off]

I’m not entirely sure if we’re looking towards 2016 or just running away in panic from 2015.

If 2015 were a person, it would have Donald Trump’s Chia hair and Robert Durst’s soulless eyes; it would brandish an ISIS flag in one arm and a confederate flag in the other, with an arsenal of rifles slung around its neck and a pharmacy’s worth of methamphetamine shoved down its trousers; it would scream at you to watch it do the “Whip/Nae Nae” with the copper wiring from our highway’s streetlights stashed in the bed of its truck.

If we assigned a gender to nouns like the Spanish language does, 2015 would definitely be masculine; anyone who leaves this much of a mess on their way out the door is almost certainly a guy. “El 2015!”

But I digress.

The New Year brings another chance to get it right. 2016 offers us a freshly wiped slate. We get to start over, but with the remnants of the past still lingering. You do not get a new identity (unless you are Jason Bourne) or a new life (unless you are Subway Jared), but everyone gets another chance to get the next year right.

I used to think of navigating the New Year in the way bacteria use chemotaxis to wander upon a food source. “This way? No. This way? No. This way? Bingo!”

But this suggests an absolute certainty, as if you have some giant red neon arrow pointing to the correct choice. This never happens anymore—they long ago ripped out the Metro Diner sign on 11th that pointed you toward the fries and gravy (always the right choice).

It also suggests there is nothing to be gained from the past.

Buddhists use the turn of the calendar to contemplate the life they led over the past year. They write down their baggage on a piece of paper. They put this paper in a fire. Their karma, all their baggage, turns to ashes. The idea is to open yourself up to new ideas and fresh energy, to focus on the promise of the future, not the past crap that gave you that nervous rash last October. But they face their mistakes from the previous year. They strive to learn something before launching themselves into another trip around the sun.

If that’s too deep for you, there’s also the get-totally-amped-up-for-a-disappointing-night-and-drink-way-too-much-and-stay-in-bed-until-January-3rd New Year’s formula, too. Advantages: plenty of social media content. Disadvantages: lack of grey matter content.

Whatever works for you.

A common question for those entering the New Year: what resolutions do I make?

First, become self-aware.
What do you want to get rid of this year?

Second, state it out loud. “I resolve to quit eating fast food and sugar this year.”

Third, head straight to McDonald’s and order one of everything because this is your last chance and the McRib is only here for a limited time!

Honestly, it’s not that difficult. What did Bill Murray say in “What About Bob?” Baby steps?

If you want to lose 20 (or 40) pounds, lose one at a time.

If you want to be a better spouse or parent, be better today and keep building on it.