Hoc est parodia

The 2014 Oklahoma legislative session: Truth is stranger than fiction

The 55th session of the Oklahoma Legislature, recently convened, will consider approximately 2,173 bills before its May 24 adjournment, including amendments to the state constitution, joint resolutions, and legislation left over from the 2013 session.

Among (or at least close to) them:

State Questions

These measures amend the State Constitution: 

1. SQ 1776 (Secession)
Whereas … the United States has been a chief decider of international discord,
Whereas … the Federal government introduced secular humanism and environment controls and free abortion drugs,
Whereas …  The United States is litigious and filled with debauchery and foreigners without proper identification,
Whereas … there resides in the land a general sense of being adrift in a sea of uncertain malaise and irritation,
Whereas … Participation in the United States of America is not mandatory, 
It is hereby resolved that Oklahoma secedes from the union by the same procedures by which it originally joined, retaining all federal installations, highways, and structures in its possession.

2. SQ 72 (Koran/Hijab Ban)
(A) To forbid the proselytizing of the Koran (sometimes spelled with a Q and a U) within 500 feet of a school, airport, sporting event, an American/Oklahoma flag, or legitimate place of worship.
(B) To forbid the wearing of hijabs, yarmulkes, miters, and Trailer War Bonnets inside state office buildings.

3. SQ 712 (Oklahoma Defense of Marriage Act, II)
(a) Specifically defines marriage as the union between 1 (one) man and 1 (one) woman … bearing 1 (one) male reproductive organ (i.e. penis) and 1 (one) reproductive female organ (i.e. vagina), respectively. Further, these organs must have been part of said anatomy at birth and not surgically implanted/affixed/created during sexual re-identification surgeries (i.e. transsexuals, a.k.a. trannies),
(b) Specifically forbids the legal joining in matrimony of persons with animals or fowl, persons with inanimate objects, or persons with the deceased, and
(c) A marriage ceremony performed in another state between persons with animals or fowl, persons with inanimate objects, or persons with the deceased shall not be recognized as valid and binding in Oklahoma.

4. SQ 1111 (Unemployed Voting Prohibition)
A ‘Human Being’ in Oklahoma as referred to in Article 2, section 2 of this constitution shall now be defined as any gainfully employed (by private or public institution) man or woman. Further, to protect the inherent voting rights and power of these aforementioned working persons, those receiving state or federal government assistance (hereinafter referred to as those on relief) shall be forbidden from casting ballots in city, county, and statewide elections.

5. SQ 666 (Non-Christian Monument Ban)
Directing appropriate state agencies to reject applications from non-Christian entities wishing to erect structures, edifices or religious symbols (including A/V presentations, skits) on state lands that do not confirm the inerrancy of the dominion of the Lord Jesus Christ over Oklahoma.

Legislative Agenda

SB 6969 Crimes against Nature.
An addition to the Anti-Sodomy (Crimes Against Nature) Law O.S. 21-886, which presently states, "any sexual penetration, however slight, is sufficient to complete the crime against nature," to now include the language, “any sexual rubbing or petting or arousing, including, digital, oral, verbal, virtual (by text of tweet), not specifically employed as a precursor to procreation.”

HB 19 Health Vouchers.
A system of healthcare vouchers will replace the direct state reimbursements to hospitals, doctors, and providers. This change will be instituted via a rechargeable state health card distributed directly to recipients. The total of these payments (before service and usage fees) will not exceed more than 2.8% of federal and state aid (or, a maximum of $392) received by each recipient.

SB 412 Marijuana Recriminalizing. 
Declares that the use of marijuana, specifically the dank kush, is a scourge upon our state and should be reclassified to a second-degree felony, punishable by 8-12 years in jail for those caught with more than 1.5 ounces. Garden variety ganja will be punishable by 4-6 years behind bars.

HB 286 Anita Bryant Museum.
Appropriates $1.6 million for a feasibility study on the construction of an Anita Bryant museum, hotel, 300-foot bronze statue of the former star, and theme park in her hometown of Barnsdall.

HB 100 Tax Independence.
Eliminates all corporate, capital gains, property, sales, franchise, and other related taxes from companies with more than two (2) employees who do business in Oklahoma at least 45 days during a fiscal year. 

SB 3 Term Limits.
Oklahoma officials elected statewide will be limited to three terms and those elected nationally to two terms, unless the incumbent has a 60-percent job approval rating and/or can demonstrate an “insurmountable state predicament” if denied another term.

SB 1907 Oklahoma History.
A change to Chapter 1 Oklahoma School Code, Chapter 1, Article X Curriculum will prohibit:
a) The teaching of white-on-Native American hostility,
b) The efficacy and benefits of the Morrill Land-Grant Act, Homestead Act, Pacific Railroad Act, Social Security Act, and GI Bill on Oklahoma, and
c) The anti-government-themed works of John Steinbeck and Woody Guthrie.

SB 1765  School Freedom Act.
A change to the education code mandating state funding of private and parochial schools, with the exception of Islamic Madrassas and other institutions directly or indirectly related to terrorism and/or Godlessness, at the same level as public institutions.

HB 22/44/357 Gun Proximity.
Allows Oklahoma public-school teachers, all grades, to conceal and/or carry firearms either on their person or within reach, be that, “ … closet, desk, shelf, cubby hole, tote, or held by assigned student(s) (who will receive no less than 90 minutes of training in the handling of firearms).” Parents who so desire may enroll their children in ‘non-armed’ classrooms. Such classrooms will be clearly labeled as such.

SB 10001 Life.
A bill stating life begins at fertilization.

HB 69 Life II.
A bill stating life begins at ejaculation.

SCR 7 Hobby Lobby Day.
A resolution designating April 14, 2014, Good Friday, as Hobby Lobby Day in Oklahoma.

HB 10002 Save the Wales.
Overturning the ban on whale hunting in the state (O.S. §29-2-135).

HB 10002a Promote the Wales.
$150,000-thousand grant to promote Oklahoma as a whale-hunting destination.

HB 21 US, Out.
To withdraw the U.S. from the United Nations, NATO, UNESCO, the World Bank, International Court of Justice, and, considering its association with socialist European nations and third world despots, FIFA.

SB 6 Tattoos and Piercings.
The prohibition of state employees from wearing tattoos on visible body parts, including the upper bosom and lower back (a.k.a., ‘Tramp Stamp’).
Further, no body part, other than the ears, shall be adorned with piercings, including the eyes, nose, or, if visible through clothing, the nipples, areola, or labia.

SB 1907 Redskins.
Officially rename “Native American Heritage Day,” now celebrated nationally on November 28, 2014, as “Redskin Day” in Oklahoma.

Other Bills

–A bill to adopt the American Staffordshire Terrier (American Pit Bull) as the state animal.
–A bill to rename the USS Batfish, a Balao-class submarine in dry dock in Muskogee, the USS Batfish/Coburn, upon the good Senator’s retirement and/or death.
–A bill to prohibit funding for state Earth Day celebrations.
–A bill which would add “THE” to the state’s “Native America” slogan and replacing the Indian figure on the Oklahoma license plate with a cowboy.
–A bill which would create a $25,000 state grant to study the feasibility of the construction of The Jim Inhofe Religion and Science Institute.
–A bill proclaiming July 4, 2014, as ‘Militia Day’ in Oklahoma.
–A bill denying the President of the United States entrance to Oklahoma (exp. January 19, 2017).

*Any resemblance to real bills actually being debated before the Oklahoma legislature in its 55th session is purely coincidental.