Bad News

New ordinance criminalizes haunting specter of poverty … and other items too good not to satirize

Good news for motorists: panhandling laws just got stricter

Are you bothered by the high rate of homelessness in Tulsa? Does it keep you up at night knowing that somewhere in your city people are huddling for shelter and fearing for their safety? Do you feel guilty avoiding the gaze of panhandlers on the side of the road? Well, have we got good news for you.

Tulsa City Council passed an amendment to a city ordinance June 28 that increases fines for panhandling and makes prosecution easier. This is wonderful news for motorists, who are seriously tired of seeing those icky homeless people asking for money on the side of the road.

The amendment was sponsored by Councilor Karen Gilbert, who fears for the safety of church groups and firefighters during roadside fundraisers. Don’t worry, though, those groups can apply for a special-event license that will allow them to bypass this law at the whim of the city council.

Some worry that this amendment will victimize homeless people. But, but! Motorists won’t have to confront the haunting specter of poverty and social injustice on their way back to the suburbs. Plus, the homeless population will be reduced, if you’re willing to count jail as a home.

Oklahoma Medical Board accuses Tulsa doctor of negligence, mad science

Tulsa area doctor Leslie Masters is up for review after settling seven lawsuits between 2011 and 2015, all having to do with liposuctions she performed. The Oklahoma State Board of Medical Licensure and Supervision filed a complaint (Case No. 15-05-5144) in 2016 charging Dr. Masters with violations of the Medical Practice Act and “a pattern of repeated negligence,” among other things.

When will the medical board—hobbled by adherence to childish notions of public accountability—understand that Dr. Masters is a visionary, a trailblazer in the field of elective surgery?

Lawsuits aside, a real doctor doesn’t need “surgical training” to do surgery. Case in point: Dr. Masters apparently has none, and she’s performed plenty of surgeries. Not all of them went well, but you never hear about all the people who don’t get serious infections, do you?

And sure, Masters didn’t check vital signs or oxygen levels during some of her procedures, but everyone knows that the road to success is a lot shorter if you cut a few corners. Plus none of her assistants had proper medical training, so they probably would have done it wrong anyway.

But Masters’ real brilliance can be seen in what the investigation termed “The RK Complaint.” Filed by a woman identified as “RK,” the complaint outlines an innovative procedure developed by Dr. Masters. Masters gave RK several syringes filled with RK’s own extracted fat, instructing her to keep them in her freezer and inject them into her face when she felt her face needed a little extra something. RK then developed a severe infection as a result of self-injecting the fat.

But Masters had no way of knowing that RK’s fat had bacteria in it, given her educational background. Besides, how are you going to advance medical science if you don’t use a few guinea pigs?

We here at Bad News are grateful to Masters for advancing the field of Mad Science. Even in this age of “schools” and “the Hippocratic Oath,” sometimes you just gotta shuffle a few body parts around and see what happens.

Tips to get kids reading!

City councilors have recently pledged to incentivize students to complete the Tulsa library’s summer reading program with pies to the face, pug-kissing, and a variety of other twee rewards. Let’s take a look at how you can get your little ones to read more at home.

Hide candy and snacks between pages of challenging books.
Your kid might put on some weight, but since childhood obesity rates in this state are out of control, they’re probably already a little chunky. Fat is better than fat and illiterate.

Enroll your child in private school.
Most people don’t know this, but private schools are an excellent way to give your child a great education, especially if you’re looking for a way to get rid of several thousand dollars in a hurry. This isn’t a great option for lower- or middle-income families, but those kids learn other skills in public schools, like obeying authority, internalizing anger, and making improvised weapons—all of which are more likely to come in handy for them than reading.

Read a book once in awhile yourself.
Your kid notices when you zone out in front of Netflix every night, and they’ll remember that shit when you force them to take part in this reading program thing.

Hold your state government accountable for running public education into the ground.
This might sound crazy, but you don’t have to live in a state where businesses are prioritized over citizens.

http://www.thetulsavoice.com/June-B-2017/Bad-News/For more Bad News, click here.