Going nowhere fast

“Need for Speed” feels like a 130-minute video-game commercial

I can almost see the initial meeting between Ford and Electronic Arts, as if I was there myself.

EA Drone: “Everyone loves ‘Fast & Furious’ and ‘Breaking Bad’.”
Ford Guy: “Everyone hates our cars.”
EA Drone: “So how can we synergize that into a racing-themed movie, a franchise tie-in game, 2014 Mustang toys in Carl’s Jr. Value Meals…and make that sweet-ass 3-D money?”
Ford Guy: “How about we get that Jesse Pinkman dude? We have him defy physics and vulnerably woo a woman in a prestige concept Mustang. Call it “Need for Speed.”
EA Drone: “Hey, like our game!”
Ford Guy: “Right? That should boost our respective brands. And if it turns out to be watchable, we can always post-convert for 3D. Icing, meet cake.”   
EA Drone: “Let’s make a movie!” (The two bump fists.)

Maybe that’s how Aaron Paul became Tobey, a former race-car driver who runs a garage in upstate New York with his merry band of mechanics, who apparently build and drive the best race cars in the tri-state area.

Tobey’s crew is a wise-cracking ensemble that includes Finn (Rami Malek), the bug-eyed crazy one; the confident Benny (Scott Mescudi), a pilot who bristles when no one believes he can fly an Apache helicopter (which is in no way foreshadowing); there’s Little Pete (Harrison Gilbertson), who is like a brother to Tobey because Tobey used to have sex with his sister, Anita (Dakota Johnson); and then there’s Joe (Ramon Rodriguez), who adds yet more fist bumps to the heap.

They all listen to Monarch (Michael Keaton), an obnoxious web-radio host who runs a secret and illegal street race called the De Leon. It’s high stakes for the winner, though Monarch seems to have only six listeners.

An old rival, Dino Brewster (Dominic Cooper), offers the crew a chance to rebuild a one-of-kind Shelby Mustang and get a quarter of the cut at auction, over a half-million dollars. The garage is on the skids, so Tobey takes him up on it. Of course, after the deal, Dino goes back on his word, getting Little Pete killed in the process (not a spoiler: his sister told him to be careful).

Framed, Tobey does two years in prison. When he gets out, he finds the Mustang’s owner, promising to win Monarch’s De Leon with it in exchange for half the prize money and the chance to avenge Little Pete.

Maybe that meeting didn’t go quite like I imagined, but “Need for Speed” sure feels like a function of corporate necessity.

Ably directed by Scott Waugh, the script, by George Gatins, is a breadcrumb trail of plot twists and over-long, convoluted, lazily written artifice meant only to get you to a predictably unsatisfying conclusion, while being unabashedly dumb in the process, and not in the fun way.

Like Keaton’s DJ character, a sort of Señor Love Daddy meets Don Steele, who is only there to break the fourth wall and explain events that, unless you actually enjoyed them, there’s no way one could have possibly misunderstood.

Aaron Paul reveals that his range is commensurate with the material he’s given. And while he can hold the screen, Gatins is no Vince Gilligan. I like Paul, but here he mostly comes off like Jack Bauer’s long lost son.

Imogen Poots, as Paul’s side-kick and love interest, is a charming bright spot amongst the generic dude-bro performances that surround her while Keaton hams it up in what is clearly two days of work scheduled between (hopefully) better films.

“Need for Speed” looks fine. The admirably practical, not-CG car chaos is the star. But just pop “Most Wanted” into the PS3 instead. You’re bound to have more fun.