2016 Summer movie preview

A round-up of the good, the bad, and the who-knows-what of summer film

May 20th

The Nice Guys 
It sort of sucks to lead with the most anticipated movie on the list. But I am a life-long Shane Black fan (“Kiss Kiss Bang Bang,” people), and it’s always a good sign when a trailer for a comedy makes you laugh more than do some entire comedies.

Ryan Gosling plays a P.I. investigating the suicide of a porn star in 1977 L.A. He becomes unlikely comrades with a like-minded, amiable criminal (Russell Crowe). That’s familiar ground for Black: violent, hilarious, grammatically correct  crime-noir. 

I’ll take all of that he’s got.

May 27th

X-Men: Apocalypse 
Bryan Singer redeemed himself of “Superman Returns” with his best superhero film, “X-Men: Days of Future Past”—following the arguably best X-Men film, period, Matt Vaughn’s “X-Men: First Class.”

But “X3” and “X-Men Origins: Wolverine” still exist. In other words, this entire franchise is a mixed bag of Fox not really giving a shit as long as they can hold onto the rights to Marvel’s characters.

The X-Men—and Women—team up again, now in the ‘80s, to fight the first Mutant, the millennia-old Apocalypse (the ubiquitous Oscar Isaac), who is bent on destroying the Earth. 

It looks like Singer is channeling Baz Luhrmann, which could become a bad drinking game. There’s always hope.

June 10th

The Conjuring 2 
Director James Wan (“Saw”, “Insidious”) made a career out of the supernatural and macabre, to the point that he seemed burned out. At least, I was.

After the palate-cleansing actioner “Furious 7,” Wan returns to the horror genre with this sequel to his best film, 2013’s “The Conjuring,” which was a near-perfect distillation of his slow-burn, creepy style that finally stuck the landing (and was, ironically, the best Christian-themed film that year). Based on the “true” stories of real-life paranormal investigators, Ed and Lorraine Warren (Patrick Wilson and Vera Farmiga), “The Conjuring 2” aims for anthology territory as they travel to England to investigate the Enfield ghost, Britain’s version of Amityville. 

Warcraft 
Duncan Jones’ films “Moon” and “Source Code” were indie sci-fi darlings. Now, the son of Bowie is at the helm of this expensive blockbuster based on the long-loved, and ongoing, PC videogame property. 

On the planet Azeroth, warring tribes of humans and orcs must find a way to survive when their worlds are conjoined by the Dark Portal, setting their leaders (Travis Fimmel and Toby Kebbell) on a path that could end in either peace or total annihilation for all.

From the looks of the trailer, it’s a mega-budget pixel orgy that (aside from Jones’ presence) leaves me utterly clueless as to how good it might be. I’m guessing gamers feel similarly. 

June 24th          

Independence Day: Resurgence
There’s no Will Smith in this 20 years-too-late sequel to the 1996 sci-fi hit. But everybody knows Judd Hirsch and Jeff Goldblum were the real stars anyway. 

    Two decades after humanity sent the alien hordes packing, they’re back with bigger ships and they’re pissed. Educated guess: we win again. Mayhem-addicted director Roland Emmerich is responsible.

July 1st

The BFG 
After the historical trifecta of  “War Horse,” “Lincoln,” and “Bridge of Spies,” legendary director Steven Spielberg returns to fantasy with this adaptation of the classic Roald Dahl children’s novel. (To clear up any confusion, “BFG” stands for “Big Friendly Giant.”) 

The BFG in-question (Mark Rylance) befriends Sophie (Ruby Barnhill), a British orphan, in order to save the realm from a cadre of evil giants (voiced by the likes of Bill Hader and Jemaine Clement) who are bent on eating all the people—especially kids.

I guess I’ll see you there, with literally everyone else.

July 15th

Ghostbusters 
Kristin Wiig and Melissa McCarthy play paranormal reality writers who join forces with a nuclear physicist and a “sassy” (seriously, watch the trailer) subway attendant to defeat a supernatural force out to destroy Manhattan.    

I want this movie to be good. A “Ghostbusters” reboot with the creative team behind the hilarious “Bridesmaids” sounds perfect on paper. The MRA dickholes who balk at talented women in general—and those who retrofit beloved guy movies specifically—can (and should) stop reading this and seek therapy. 

That said, the trailer isn’t funny. I hope that’s just because it’s a badly cut trailer. Wish in one hand, though…

July 22nd        

Star Trek Beyond 
I loved JJ Abrams 2009 “Star Trek” reboot, warts and all. I loathed his follow-up, “It’s Not Really Khan But It Is.” The sweet spot for both of those films (and Abrams’ films in general) is the cast.

Finally on their “five-year mission,” the crew is back, stranded on a remote planet, battling unknown aliens, after the destruction (again) of the Enterprise XXL. 

“Fast & Furious” director Justin Lin steps in for Abrams. Simon Pegg (reprising his role as Scotty) doubles as screenwriter, which, considering his love of “Trek,” bodes well for the real geeks.   

August 5th

Suicide Squad 
Marvel vs. DC is a long-running rivalry. Marvel has the clear advantage at faithfully—in the creative sense—adapting their superhero franchises to the big screen. They’re just more fun. DC is their gothy older brother. “Suicide Squad” seems to break that conventional wisdom. 

Wikipedia boilerplate: A group of criminal superheroes are conscripted by a secret government agency to perform covert missions in exchange for their freedom. 

Adapted and directed by David Ayer (“Training Day”), the film adopts a scuzzy sense of humor bereft of most DC fare. Jared Leto might be terrible as The Joker. But you still get Will Smith as Deadshot. After all, summer can’t happen without him.    

August 11th

Sausage Party 
Starring Seth Rogen, Kristen Wiig, Jonah Hill, Bill Hader, Danny McBride and Paul Rudd—a.k.a., everyone funny—this animated satire from the stoned minds of Rogen and Evan Goldberg (“Superbad”) posits a society of personified grocery store foodstuffs who discover, after their joy upon being chosen, the horrific fate of food. Which is pretty effed up when you think about it.

For more from Joe, read his review of "Captain America: Civil War."