Undead-friendly fun

An insomniac’s guide to Tulsa

Arise, restless masses. The city is ours. Maybe you’re awake because you’re stuck—the lack of momentum in your life has got you depressed. Maybe you’re awake because you’re new in town—you’d rather be back on the East coast, you just can’t connect. Maybe you’re just plain crazy, and a restful night’s sleep isn’t your thing.

Whatever the reason, you can either grind through the night and try to get some, any, shuteye, or get up, get dressed, and make the most of it. Let’s assume you choose the latter. Depending on the time of year you’re looking at about 4-6 hours between last call at the bars and sunrise. Options for activity during these quiet hours are pretty limited in Tulsa. You can either get something to eat, or you can hang out and kill time. Good morning.

Eat

There are a few spots open in the red-eye window between 2–4 a.m. Perhaps the most delicious of Tulsa’s extreme late night cuisine is Tacos Don Francisco on 11th Street near Yale Avenue. On Friday and Saturday nights they stay open until 4 a.m. Here you’ll find primo munchies: authentic Mexican delights such as tortas, horchata on tap, pupusas, and enchiladas. A favorite of post-bar drunks, college kids, and kindred night owls of all dimensions.

Another legit late night grub haunt is Phat Philly’s on Peoria Avenue, also open until 4 a.m. Fridays and Saturdays. Philly cheesesteaks, wings, chicken tenders, waffle fries, and vegetarian options are available.

If you act quickly, there are a few delivery options after 4 a.m. hits. Both JC’s Pizza and Mary Jane’s deliver ‘til 4:20 AM, which reveals the demographic they target. Even still, Mary Jane’s huge, gooey pies are universally crave-able to anyone except the most bitter and humorless of foodie snobs.

If you want to grab-and-go, your fast food options are relatively plentiful. Recommended: Whataburger on Peoria Avenue near 15th Street. Pros include 24-hour dine-in lobby and a slightly more interesting menu than your average fast food burger joint (Editor’s note: Honey Butter Chicken Biscuits FTW). Cons: Extreme late-night patrons here can be sketchy and/or super drunk. Whataburger has been a post-bar/post-concert/post-party munchie stop for several generations of Tulsa late-night ragers.

If you want sit-down fare you’re going to have to settle for a chain diner. Village Inn on Harvard Avenue is a post-bar staple. Enjoy a slice of pie and a cup of coffee while you run out the clock till dawn. IHOP and Denny’s offer similar environments; Waffle House rocks the stripped down greasy spoon vibe.

Hang Out and Kill Time

At 3 a.m., Walmart is a different place. No longer loud and buzzing, it’s bright, empty, and surreal. Drag your weary bones up and down the aisles, marveling at things you will never buy (camouflage seat covers, dice-less electronic Yahtzee sets, culinary lard). Wander the sports aisle and imagine yourself in an alternate life, one where you play these games at the semi-pro level. Dream up a nickname for yourself. Wander the kitchen gadgets aisle, and imagine all the different dishes you’ll never make with bamboo skewers. There are no rules.

Go to a 24-hour Walgreens or CVS and check out all the oddball medicines and supplements. Someone must use Saw Palmetto for some legitimate reason, right? What is their name? Imagine they live on the other side of the world and the only way you could possibly convey your feelings about Tulsa to them is through haiku. Write that haiku.

Parking lots, rooftops, graveyards, and other auspicious outdoor places. Anywhere legal, spooky and/or beautiful, where you can set up camp and chill for a couple hours. Bring a notepad and sketch happy rested people, Japanese bamboo beds, sleepy citadels tucked into the side of a mountain. Chew gum, vape, smoke cigarettes, flick a fidget spinner. Visit the Center of the Universe and say whatever you want into the echo chamber—literally no one will hear you.

Daytime will come around the bend soon, and city life will begin anew. You’ll still be awake, but the options of things to do will become myriad again. The desolation of late-night activity will no longer mock the inner desolation keeping you awake at night. Congratulations, you have bested the night once more and are now the frazzled waking dead—until the sun sets and you dance this vacant tango again.