Guilt trip

A guide to responsible sinning in Tulsa

First, a confession: Church-going wasn’t really a thing in my family. My mom grew up mid-century modern Catholic on the East Coast, my dad was raised very Southern Baptist in Mississippi, and neither of them insisted I or my brother go to church. When we did go it was usually to a Methodist church, about every third Christmas. Easter 1996. All nice, polite, meaningless experiences.

Almost everything I know about the Bible I learned through cultural osmosis and context clues. I didn’t actually read the Bible until college. It was required reading for a class on American literature, which relies heavily on biblical references for its shorthand. There’s a lot of poetry in language of the King James version. A lot went over my head.

I didn’t realize how many desires my neighbors had to constantly tamp down. Some nutritionists say low magnesium levels make you yearn for chocolate. You can get magnesium from chard and flax, but that’s like buying a book because you need the paper. It doesn’t tickle your brain’s pleasure centers. Indulging in chocolate brings a whirl of fat and sugar—and dopamine, which motivates our most primal instincts.

Eat the chocolate. Like so many things, it’s good for you in moderation if consumed responsibly. Trust your gut.

If it’s been awhile since you gave in to a froward whim, here are some entry points back on the road to hell:

GLUTTONY
First, ask yourself some questions. Is it a weekday? Is it lunchtime? Am I prone to unhealthy or compulsive eating habits? I hope you answered yes, yes, no (respectively) and are already on your way to Mazzio’s Italian Eatery on 11th and Elgin. Other all-you-can-eat buffets: Bangkok Restaurant (33rd St. and Harvard Ave.) for Thai, India Palace (71st St. and Lewis Ave.) or Himalayas (51st St. and Memorial Ave.) for Indian food, or Las Americas (3rd St. and Zunis Ave.) for Mexican. Pace yourself.

If you’re serious about excess but are on a budget, drive 30 minutes west on Highway 412 and pull over at the Red Barn, aka Western Market. Inside you’ll find delightful sundries, assorted kitsch, taxidermied miscellany, and—best of all—wholesale boxes of chocolate candy bars. I recently bought 36 Butterfingers for just $1.99. They were technically expired. I ate them all. And I’d do it again.

PRIDE
Pride is the sin of sins. It’s what transformed Lucifer into Satan and inspired Eve to taste the forbidden fruit in the Garden of Eden. This is all about responsible indulgence, though, so I’m only going to suggest you take a selfie session at a farmers’ market. Try the Cherry Street Farmers Market on Saturday mornings and Brookside’s (in the Whole Foods parking lot) on Wednesday mornings, both from April to October.

GREED
Some gamble for the money, others do it for the rush. Either way, Hard Rock Casino, River Spirit Casino, and Osage Casino all have low-stakes slot machines and table games. At Fair Meadows race track in Expo Square, you can bet on spare change on horse races all summer long. And any QuikTrip will sell you enough lottery tickets to keep your materialistic soul entertained.

LUST
Get thee to one of the classier strip clubs in town, like Lady Godiva at 18th Street and Sheridan Avenue. It’s only technically sin, I think, if admiration turns into perverse desire. It’s a slippery slope. Very slippery, nicely rounded slopes.

WRATH
Spend an afternoon expelling pent-up rage at US Shooting Academy (6500 E. 66th St. N.), or 2A Shooting Center (4616 E. Admiral Pl). Rentals are available for the gunless.

SLOTH
This one requires more planning than you might guess. The night before indulging, switch off all of your alarms and charge your phone. This way, when you wake up at noon you’ll be prepared for all of the nothing. Use the Mr. Delivery app to summon food from your favorite restaurant directly to your doorstep. Then spend the day binge-watching Netflix, Soundpony webisodes (or, all of Dark Matter Visuals’ videos, for that matter), and playing on your phone.

ENVY 
Ride your bike through Maple Ridge.