Future headlines

Imagined news stories of 2016

2016 news promises some highs (“Legalize it!”) and lows (militias organized to “protect the constitution”). The extremes get people’s attention. These not-altogether-based-in-fact stories will dominate headlines this year, creating rage bubbles on Facebook, flame wars on Twitter and fence-riding editorials in the Tulsa World.

CAPITOL REPORT 
High-point beer is legalized, blamed for earthquakes
After years of languishing behind other states, Oklahoma finally authorizes the sale of high point beer in grocery stores. The liquor store lobby will argue that hops- and grain-fueled moral depravity is causing pressure to build within the earth, resulting in Oklahoma’s beer-made earthquakes. 

Suggested News Outlet: The Oklahoman, which will run a press release from the liquor store lobby and label it “staff reports” in the byline.

LEGAL NEWS
Oklahoma sues Colorado (again)
Oklahoma Attorney General Scott Pruitt will fail in his attempt to get the federal government to ban Colorado’s legalization of marijuana. Undeterred, this advocate for states’ rights will again sue Colorado; but this time for playing their music too loudly, leaving their Christmas lights up too long and dancing too close together on Sundays. 

Suggested news outlet: The Tulsa Voice. Barry Friedman’s smacked gob will cover it, and—wait for it—find a way to implicate James Lankford. 

NIGHTLIFE NOTES
Club Kids are alive and well (and drunk)
I don’t get to The Club—or any club, for that matter—anymore. But I left a private party the other night and mistakenly (read: open bar) found myself in a dance club. I am happy to report there are still Club Kids. Jager shots, popped collars, high heels and bad decisions are all part of what makes this country great. We as a nation owe them a tremendous debt for their constant diligence on the wall. 

Suggested news outlet: Currentland, in their inaugural “Best nightclubs in the Oklahoma/Kansas/Texas/Arkansas/Louisiana/El Salvador region” issue.

EDUCATION
Oklahoma teachers banned from the classroom
In 2016, after decades of being underpaid, insulted and overworked, Oklahoma teachers’ increasingly wanton and lascivious need for pain and humiliation will lead to an emergency bill authored by state senator Ralph Shortey effectively banning teachers from classrooms for being deviant masochists. In an effort to replace them, Oklahoma State Superintendent Joy Hofmeister will be forced to issue emergency teaching certificates to several thousand Club Kids (see adjacent).

Suggested News Outlet: Tulsa Crime Monthly, cuz “wanton” and “lascivious.” 

LONGFORM
​DARPA and GUTS weaponize social media prayer
In 2016, DARPA will partner with GUTS Church’s R&D department to find a way to weaponize the power of prayer on Facebook, Twitter, Tinder, and Instagram. But without any way to regulate the technology, the “Pray Gun” will be shelved after fear-mongering pundits warn of creating heaven on earth, which would result in financial ruin and economic collapse.  

Suggested News Outlet: Weird science, government secrecy and a religious scandal—sounds like a 20,000-word job for This Land. 

PUBLIC SERVICE INVESTIGATION
Why all the potholes? The Tow Truck / Tire Shop Conspiracy 
After suffering a catastrophic loss of tire pressure on I-44 due to a pothole the size of our state’s deficit, I had a lot of time in a tire shop’s waiting room to dream up, er, research this one: towing companies and tire shops are in cahoots. 

Let me explain: under cover of night, tow-truckers disperse across the city and lay waste to our roads with jackhammers. The tire shops feed them kickbacks for creating new customers. You hit a pothole, you get a flat, you need a tow to the tire shop. Mutually beneficial, right? For everyone but you. 

How else do you explain the disaster of our local and state roads? Surely, no elected official would willfully allow our streets to implode without some external, nefarious force? Right? 

Suggested news outlet: The Frontier, if they can stop dancing on the grave of Stanley Glanz’s career long enough to do some real investigative work.

For more from Andy, read some of his New Year's thoughts.